An Explination For My Love
by captainwaldo
Summary: I have so many things to explain to you my love. So I will go back to the very beginning, the day you first came to me. I was 14, you 17 and you had just had your heart ripped out by the only girl you ever loved.
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters! They are based of the world created by JK Rowling, and the plot has kind of been borrowed from a book called Innocents by an author I don't know by name.

I have so many things to explain to you my love. So I will go back to the very beginning, the day you first came to me. I was 14, you 17 and you had just had your heart ripped out by the only girl you ever loved. I held you, though you never cried. I could feel your heart breaking with every breath, and I whispered comforting words in your ear. We sat in the empty classroom, I holding you like a mother would hold a young child, for many hours. I could hear the voices of students on the other side of the door, but we were alone, and nobody disturbed us in our private little world.

I started getting restless so I began rubbing your back, something you enjoyed very much. My touch seemed to have awoken a different part of you, a part I hadn't expected to find. You were aroused, so I went with it. I had just wasted a perfectly good afternoon with you; I may as well have gotten something out of it. You started kissing my neck, I moaned softly, urging you to continue. Soon, I was flat on the table and you were undressing me. I wiped your greasy black hair out of your face and pulled your shirt off. Before long you were entering me. I had done this so many times I knew exactly what to do to keep you satisfied. I made the right noises at the right times, and made you feel like you were all I needed. It was all a lie. I never felt a thing. The pain of sex had long since faded from my body. I heard the names the other kids called me, "slut," "whore," and "easy" being a few of their favorites. I guess the words were true, to some degree. I had my share of partners, many of which never acknowledged me again afterwards. I never minded. Those boys were hardly worth my attention. They were toys for me to play with, a way to pass my days. You were different, you became my obsession. I focused everything I had in taking away your pain. As you thrust your dick inside of me, all you pain and heartbreak left your body and entered mine. I became a sponge, soaking up your negative emotions. I made you forget about her, and the boy she was with now. I helped you forget about how she left you broken and alone for the boy she always belonged to, even before she knew it. But I was there; I filled the void left by her.

Our relationship became more serious, or at least you thought it did. I let you believe that I wanted, no needed you, and loved you the way you loved and needed me. But this was not the case. The end of the year came and you graduated. I knew you still needed me, and I couldn't abandon you when you needed me most. We made plans for the summer, and I moved in with you. My parents never even noticed I was gone, and that suited me well.

When September rolled around, you bid me farewell and watched me leave for the term. You came to visit whenever you could, staying in town nearby and meeting with me. The sex rarely varied, and I hardly enjoyed it, but you thought I did. I continued with my little show, let you believe I was a girl in love, when really I was hallow, empty.

The last two years I was at school went on like this. In your eyes I was completely yours, and I wanted you to think that. You thought you held all the power; that I was a small weak little girl, but in reality I was in complete control. I never let anything happen that I didn't plan, even when it seemed otherwise.

After I left school, we made a life for ourselves in our little house in the countryside. You left to do dark things, and I pretended that I didn't know. I saw the marks left on your body, the scars and burns. You made up stories, but I never fell for them. I nodded, and pretended to believe you, but I never did. I kissed you and tried to make the pain go away. I nurtured you and when the kisses didn't work, I would let you fuck me.

I always played hard to get, and force you to chase me around the house. You would always catch me in the bedroom, and I would let you pin me down. I would pretend to struggle while you undressed me, and I would stare at you innocently as you sucked on my breasts and moved lower. I would giggle and squirm as you pressed your dick against me, and I would moan as you entered me. I had perfected my performance, but I could tell you were getting bored. You were always gentle with me, but I knew you wanted something more.

One night, you came home late from doing your dark work. I turned off all the lights and pretended to sleep. I heard you enter our bedroom; you walked over to me and kissed my forehead softly. I rolled over to look at you as you undressed yourself. I was wearing a black lace teddy, something I had never done for you. I preferred to sleep naked, as did you. But tonight was different. I wanted to surprise you tonight. You thought I was sleeping as you climbed into bed next to me and wrapped your arms around me. I could feel your dick pressing into my back, and took my chance almost immediately. I turned around and flashed you a seductive smile. You kissed my nose and tried to kiss my neck, but I pulled away. Tonight was about you. I found your dick with my hand and started massaging it. I could tell by the look on your face that you were both surprised and pleased by this. I shimmied my body down until my face was level with your cock. I took tour dick into my mouth and slowly started massaging it with my lips and tongue. I could hear you try to talk, but you whimpered and let me continue. I kept going until you came in my mouth. You were so excited that you pulled me back up and started kissing my neck and breasts. I let you undress me, but I made you fight to get close. I pretended to struggle while you tried to enter me. I let you subdue me, pinning my hands down above my head, and squirmed as thrust inside of me. I knew you enjoyed feeling this power over me, so I let you think it was you who held the power. In reality, I was the one holding the power. It was I who was controlling every move we made. I never let you do anything I didn't want you to.

While you were away doing your dark deeds, I would devise new ways to excite you. One week while you were gone I searched the house for some sign of what your deepest desires were. I nearly tore apart the house searching for something, anything that would tip me off. You were so good at hiding those desires, almost as good as me. But I had you fooled still. It wasn't until I found the picture that I realized you were playing the same game as I was. You and her, smiling and happy, tucked away in an old school book shoved into a drawer that I didn't even know existed. I couldn't understand why you would keep a picture of her, especially since you told me you loved me every day and every night.

Each time I looked at the picture, a wave of emotions came over me. I had never experienced this emotion before. Was it jealousy? I don't even know why I would be jealous; you were just a toy, a game to me. But looking at this picture you had saved for 4 years, of the girl you said you loved before me, it made my heart sink. I took the picture from the book and put it where I knew you would find it. Then I cleaned up the house, making it look even more spotless then it had before I went on my rampage. Then I waited, I waited for two days, sitting around the house idly.

When you finally came home I smiled and said hello. You ran over to me and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around you and let you kiss my neck. I let you carry me upstairs to the bedroom, but I wouldn't let you throw me on the bed. I took control that day. I stuck my tongue down your throat and massaged your mouth. I reached down and unzipped your pants. You pushed me up against the wall, where I was supported as you removed you pants and boxers. I remember when you started wearing boxers. I bought them for you while you were away, and you were wary of them. You were used to those briefs you had been wearing your entire life, but I convinced you to try them by modeling them myself. Then I let you remove them from me and put them on yourself. But that was nearly 2 years before that day. The day you found out the truth. I let you shove your dick in me and I made it easy for you to thrust into me by arching my back against the wall. That night the sex was rough, and I knew you liked it. When it was over, you laid in bed panting, sweat dripping down your forehead.

I sat in the corner of the room, watching you. You never spoke to me, or even noticed that I wasn't in bed with you. I couldn't bring myself to get into the bed with you. I kept seeing the picture, her smiling face. It was tormenting me. I woke up the next morning, and I was in the bed. You must have moved me while I was asleep. You were gone, and I didn't care. I stayed in bed all day. You never came to see if I was okay, and I didn't care. That night, you never came to bed, and I started to worry.

Just past 2 am, I got up and walked downstairs. I saw you sitting at the kitchen table, with just a small candle for light. It was flickering, creating a strange glow in the small room. You didn't hear me come in, and I didn't care. I walked up behind you and saw that you had found the picture I had moved for you. I touched you and you jumped. You tried to hide the picture, but you knew the damage had been done. I stood there, staring at the table where the picture had been laying seconds before.

I could feel the tears forming in my eyes but I didn't understand why. I have never cared about you, and I shouldn't feel anything about this. You turned around so that you were facing me. I couldn't see your face; my eyes wouldn't focus on you. I couldn't get the image of that picture out of my mind. It had been ingrained in my mind, and I couldn't get rid of it. You opened your mouth to say something but I never heard it. You tried to kiss me, but I back away. You walked out of the room, but I stayed where I was standing. My feet were implanted in that spot. I couldn't move, no mater what.

I was still standing there in the morning when you came down. You spoke to me, but again I didn't hear a word of it. I still hadn't cried, although I could feel the water in my eyes. You sat down in front of me and grabbed my hands. I tried to pull away, but I couldn't. You spoke, and I tried to comprehend, but the words never reached my ears.

I don't know what happened over the next few days. You left me again for a while, but I knew you'd be back. You always came back. I waited and waited. This was your longest trip away ever.

Then the news came. I was shocked at first to see her face in the papers, along with his, the boy who she left you for. They had been murdered. I read the articles. Their son was some kind of hero, but none of it made sense. You should have come back to me. I knew something was wrong. The news articles kept coming. So much was happening. I didn't understand why you hadn't come back to me yet.

Finally, after more then two weeks you came, but you were not alone. Your guest stayed back as you told me everything. I pretended to be furious; you still didn't know that I already knew this. You explained to me what he was doing here, and what he was offering you. I had to let you go.

You told me you loved me and that you would never forget me. I could keep the house, and you would always take care of me. I let you think I would allow this, but the second you left, so did I.

I haven't been back to that house since that night. I know you have been looking for me, but I won't let you find me. I have been hiding away in the deepest corners of my world, trying to get over you. Yes, get over you.

When I first started playing this game, I was a child. I had created an elaborate other self to show to the world, and that is what everyone saw. I never let anyone in, never until you. And even when I tried harder then ever to hide my deepest self from you, it was only you who truly knew me. Those classmates who called me "slut," "whore," and "easy" when I was 14 never saw me. They saw what I wanted them to see. I became what they wanted me to become, because that was the only way they would leave me alone.

In those days, I would sleep with a boy, and never again care about him. I liked feeling like I was in control. When you entered my life on that fateful day, I saw the perfect opportunity. You were exactly what I needed, and you needed me. Our life together was shaded in secrets, on both sides, but mine seemed to have covered us both. I kept telling myself that I didn't care about you, when in fact I was living my life for you.

I gave up all my own wants and desires to please you. I always told you I loved you, and I thought those were words I used to please you, but the truth is that I really did love you. I just never knew it. Love is a feeling I have never understood. You were the only person to se me for who I am, and the only person to show me any form of love. I didn't realize it until you were gone, but I love you, and I always will.

I guess now I understand why you were so heartbroken when she left you. You loved her the way I love you. And now, she is gone, as are you. I know I can never have you back the way I had you before. Both of us have changed so much. I don't know what is left for me, but being without you like this is painful. My physical need for you grows every day. You are like my addiction, and I am suffering painful withdrawals. I need you but I can't have you, and I have accepted that.

So this is to tell you everything, as well as one more…good bye. Good bye my love, my Severus.


	2. Chapter Two

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters! They are based of the world created by JK Rowling, and the plot has kind of been borrowed from a book called Innocents by an author I don't know by name.

**Admiral EvilTwin-Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it! Hope this is even half as good as the second chapter! I'm glad you figured out pretty quick who this was about, I thought it would be better if I never mentioned any names, not until the very end at least. There are more names in this chapter.**

Severus opened the letter that had just been dropped on his desk by a large brown owl. He picked it up and saw it was from her. He hadn't heard from her in weeks, not since he had told her the truth. She took it better then he had expected she would. He quickly opened the parchment and saw that the letter was handwritten and several pages. He glanced at his clock and saw that it was 9:47pm. He looked down at her writing and read through the pages.

_I was 14, you 17 and you had just had your heart ripped out by the only girl you ever loved._

He thought back to that day. Lily told him she was sick of hiding their relationship. She didn't understand why he couldn't tell the world about their relationship. She was a mudblood after all. Mudblood, what a horrible word. He never said it to her face, but in his mind that was all he saw. He didn't even have to answer her for her to know it was over. She never even seemed upset. It only took her a month to hook up with Potter. He brushed the thought from his mind and continued reading.

_I heard the names the other kids called me, "slut," "whore," and "easy" being a few of their favorites._

He had heard what they said about her. But those same people had their own favorite names for him. He knew what it was like to be a social outcast. That's what attracted him to her. She seemed to understand his pain, and he liked that. Lily never understood. She was just too, too different.

_I continued with my little show, let you believe I was a girl in love, when really I was hallow, empty._

He couldn't believe what he was reading. She had fooled him so well. Her game sucked him in, and he fell for every little trap she set for him. He got even more upset with her with every word he read.

_You thought you held all the power; that I was a small weak little girl, but in reality I was in complete control._

He never thought her weak. And he never tried to control her. He thought of her as his equal, and nothing less. Obviously she thought much differently of him.

_You left to do dark things, and I pretended that I didn't know._

He knew she knew. She was too smart not to realize it. He always wondered why she never said anything to him, why she believed his excuses. But now he understood. It was all a part of her manipulation. Manipulation, that's what it was. She was manipulating him with every move she made.

_In reality, I was the one holding the power. It was I who was controlling every move we made. I never let you do anything I didn't want you to. _

He gripped the page tighter with every word he read.

_It wasn't until I found the picture that I realized you were playing the same game as I was. You and her, smiling and happy, tucked away in an old school book shoved into a drawer that I didn't even know existed._

Shit, he thought. She found the picture before. Why had he kept it in the house? She was alone in that house for so long, of course she would find it in that drawer. But a picture was much smaller in his mind then all she had done to him, so he kept reading.

_I couldn't understand why you would keep a picture of her, especially since you told me you loved me every day and every night_.

He did love her. More then he ever love Lily. But why wouldn't he, when she had made sure she was his idea of the perfect woman. He cringed as he thought about her lies.

_I don't even know why I would be jealous; you were just a toy, a game to me._

This confused him more then anything she told him. Why would she be jealous of Lily, when she never cared about him at all? And hadn't he assured her that Lily ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped on it when she married Potter.

_You never spoke to me, or even noticed that I wasn't in bed with you. I couldn't bring myself to get into the bed with you. I kept seeing the picture, her smiling face. It was tormenting me. _

Her pain confused him. He remembered that night. It was just a few months ago. He woke up and saw her in the chair in the corner. He lifted her into the bed, and she wrapped her arms around him in her sleep. She looked so peaceful. She always did when she slept. So much different from the torment and anger hiding behind her beautiful brown eyes.

_You were gone, and I didn't care. I stayed in bed all day. You never came to see if I was okay, and I didn't care. That night, you never came to bed, and I started to worry_.

He found the picture she had moved for him. It broke his heart to know that she had seen the picture. He didn't even know why he kept it.

_I could feel the tears forming in my eyes but I didn't understand why. I have never cared about you, and I shouldn't feel anything about this._

This stung. Her words were so harsh. But he forced himself to keep reading.

_You spoke, and I tried to comprehend, but the words never reached my ears. _

She had been like a zombie in the days after she found the picture. He remembered the look on her face and it scared him. The sparkle was gone from her deep brown eyes. It was replaced with a hallow emptiness.

_You left me again for a while, but I knew you'd be back. You always came back. I waited and waited. This was your longest trip away ever. _

He had never forgiven himself for leaving her when she needed him to be there more then ever, or so he thought. But his presence was requested elsewhere and he couldn't go against those orders.

_They had been murdered. I read the articles. Their son was some kind of hero, but none of it made sense. You should have come back to me._

Those days were a blur to him. He remembered very little from what happened in those few days when he was away. He knew he met with Dumbledore about his new job, and the information that he had learned. She was waiting for him the entire time.

_I pretended to be furious; you still didn't know that I already knew this_.

She was so good at hiding the truth from him. He couldn't believe even then she pretended to be surprised by his news. After all they had been through, she was still lying to him.

_You told me you loved me and that you would never forget me. _

It was true. He never would forget her. Even now, knowing the truth. He would always remember her as being the girl who manipulated him, who destroyed every last bit of trust left in him, which wasn't much.

_I haven't been back to that house since that night. I know you have been looking for me, but I won't let you find me. I have been hiding away in the deepest corners of my world, trying to get over you. Yes, get over you._

He had looked for her, before he settled in to Hogwarts to begin his knew position as Potions Master. He wondered where she had gone, and if she would ever let him find her. Probably not, he thought to himself.

_And even when I tried harder then ever to hide my deepest self from you, it was only you who truly knew me._

Why was she telling him this? Hadn't she just written for 5 pages about how she never cared about him? What changed so suddenly?

_When you entered my life on that fateful day, I saw the perfect opportunity. You were exactly what I needed, and you needed me. Our life together was shaded in secrets, on both sides, but mine seemed to have covered us both. _

He was in shock. He didn't know what to make of her words. None of it made sense to him after what he had previously read.

_I kept telling myself that I didn't care about you, when in fact I was living my life for you. _

This shocked him more then anything. He had always believed that she loved him and that they would be together forever. Somehow that dream had vanished and was replaced with the stinging pain she left in his heart. Now she was telling him that she was lying to both him and herself throughout this entire letter? That she really did love and need him?

_I always told you I loved you, and I thought those were words I used to please you, but the truth is that I really did love you. I just never knew it._

Wow, was all he could think.

_I didn't realize it until you were gone, but I love you, and I always will. _

He knew he had to find her again, let her know it was ok. He had to find her.

_You loved her the way I love you. And now, she is gone, as are you._

I'm not gone, he thought. He wanted to tell her he was still here. But how? She made it clear that she had hidden herself where he would never find her.

_I know I can never have you back the way I had you before. Both of us have changed so much. _

We haven't changed, he thought, just the situation had changed.

_I don't know what is left for me, but being without you like this is painful. My physical need for you grows every day. You are like my addiction, and I am suffering painful withdrawals. I need you but I can't have you, and I have accepted that. _

He had to find her! She needed him as much as he needed her.

_So this is to tell you everything, as well as one more…good bye. Good bye my love, my Severus._

No! He thought, this can't be goodbye. He had to find her! He grabbed a blank piece of parchment and his quill and started writing. He wrote out a long letter pleading for her to come back to him, but crumpled it and threw it on the floor. He couldn't do it. He couldn't ask for her to come back to him. She scarred him, and left a deep hole in his heart, and no matter how much pain she was feeling, she brought it upon herself. He had to punish her for the betrayal, the manipulation. But he couldn't do that either. He needed her like oxygen. He really did love her, at least he assumed that feeling was love. He never really known love before, unless he counted Lily, but that was different. He sat at his desk well past when his fire died down. He woke up sometime in the morning, still upright in his chair. He looked down and saw the letter on his desk, and remembered every emotion he felt the previous night. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash bin as he walked out of his office. It was time for him to teach his first class. He pushed every thought of her out of his mind, and walked into the empty classroom he was to be holding class in. It was one of the larger dungeon rooms, with torches on the walls providing lighting. He looked at his lesson plan for the day, and prepared for the class he was expecting shortly. As the students filled in, His thoughts went back to the letter sitting at the bottom of the trash bin in his office, and the girl who wrote it. Somewhere she was hiding away, trying to forget about him, probably with some other man, manipulating him. He pushed her out of his thoughts and his heart, and never let her back in. As the years went on, the hole she left behind only got bigger, leaving a cold, broken, and bitter man.

**Author's note: And I think that's the end because I have no idea what would come next. This chapter was basically Snape reading the letter and his reaction to it. I hope this helps to clarify anything that may have been left hanging from the first chapter. I don't plan on going on with this, but if I get asked to I might try! Hope you all Enjoyed! Please Review!**


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